Sometimes I fear
Fretting about her reaction when I tell her about me.
About the countless nights when I went ‘wild’in’ out with friends.
When a hood covered my face but could not cover my acts.
When YOLO was my daily anthem and my ears were blocked.
Mama warned me to steer clear of them all.
Papa’s voice kept reminding me to keep my career in mind
Both voices I failed to adhere to.
Instead choosing to live it up to the fullest.
Boozing at all times with the coolest.
Lying and stealing some money just to fit in with the trendiest
Picking and dumping random ladies just to prove I was the ‘baddest’
Using sleek words to convince her to abort, just to prove I was the smartest.
How do I tell her all these things?
With which words do I paint the sickening life I have lived?
A picture I see for myself and shudder.
For i lived a life without any defined rudder.
I can almost see her reaction to it all.
Her shocking exclamations when I begin the tale from my teenage years.
The disgusting look she would give me when I delve fully into my dirty twenties.
And the “I can no longer listen” facial expressions she would give when I reach 70% of the saddening tale.
Will love save me then?
Will the spark which she feels for me cover the multitude of my past deeds?
Will she forgive and forget like my father in heaven always does?
Or choose to forgive and never forget like humans are prone to.
Will she remind me of my dirty past when I cannot give him a son in the first few years?
Will she remind me of my past deeds when the sperm fails to fertilize the egg?
A way out loomed before me as I thought of it all.
I could tell her a lie
Painting a noble knightly picture of my past.
Portraying myself as the charming prince she prayed for,
Repressing the stark reality of my evil past in other to satisfy my present need for her to accept me.
The thought sounded good.
But it did not stick.
For the truth never remains buried for life.
A certainty I did not want to bite me in future.
So here I am.
Braving all hell.
Nkwuka Kosi Chibuikem (Pen name #Bashorun) has helped to organize the Project Inspire conference within Benin city, Edo State with the major aim of helping teenagers discover their inner potentials, which would help them create value at a tender age and make them depend less on the society. His poetry has appeared at Praxis Magazine Online.